Mirror, mirror, sleeping next to me...

I read a post on my friend Amy's blog awhile back in which she commented on the "mirrorness" of marriage. I would like to give a hearty AMEN to that, and add that it seems very seldom that the mirror reflects anything good about me. Maybe we get to that later? Right now all I see is yucky stuff being reflected. It's a little discouraging to have lived 23 years thinking I was doing alright, and then in one month to realize what a slimeball I am. Okay, I am not a slimeball. But where did all this nastiness come from!??!?

I think the hardest-hitting reflection has been on the issue of pride. There is not enough space on the internet to tell you how prideful I am, so suffice it to say...um...I am very prideful. I can't enjoy card games or board games or disc golf games or any games at all with my husband because I HATE losing (which happens everytime we play anything). It hurts my pride to be found less than at least equal; it almost kills me to be found less-than-the-best. Rediculous as it sounds, I feel as if my taking more putts on a mini golf course is a sure sign that I am not as valuable a person as Nate is. I feel...short, I guess. Insignificant. Worthless, even. All because of a stupid game. Which, I might add, is supposed to be a fun thing.

It goes further. We have had a couple discussions the last couple days about whether or not it is necessary for a Christian to be reading his or her Bible everyday, as seems to be the teaching these days. Nate has obviously given the matter some thought, so he has pretty good arguments for his point of view. As is usually the case, I had the opposite opinion, but as we talked (okay, argued) I began to see that my opinion was based on my own self-constructed concept of what walking with Christ means. I had left no room for other ways of having a relationship with God. As I thought about it, I was actually relieved to hear him say some of what he did, but I couldn't bear the thought that Nate's way might actually be a better approach than my way (does that sound like pride to anyone?!?!?). That would mean that I was wrong, and wrong equals losing, which, like I said, to me means I am worthless. So I get angry and defensive because I feel like Nate is telling me I am stupid and like I don't even know what it really looks like to be a Christian, and poor Nate, all he was trying to do was talk about Galatians!

While I am so very happy to be married to Nate, as of late, I am not happy with what he is showing me about myself. It is not the mirror's fault, but it is a heck of a lot easier to be angry at the mirror than it is myself...haven't done very well at that. :( But God is still working for good; I am seeing more and more clearly everyday that it it ONLY by God's grace that we amount to anything other than slimeballs.

Thanks for the mirror, Lord. Keep him strong and shiny. :)